Today, we will be discussing our DENIAL PATTERNS.

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Did you know that we OFTEN…

• Have difficulty identifying what they are feeling
• Minimize, alter, or deny how they truly feel.
• Perceive themselves as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well- being of others
• Lack empathy for the feelings and needs of others.
• Label others with their negative traits.
• Think they can take care of themselves without any help from others.
• Mask pain in various ways such as anger, humor, or isolation.
• Express negativity or aggression in indirect and passive ways.
• Do not recognize the unavailability of those people to whom they are attracted.

IN RECOVERY…

• I am aware of my feelings and identify them, often in the moment. I know the difference between my thoughts and feelings.
• I embrace my feelings; they are valid and important.
• I know the difference between caring and care taking. I recognize that care taking others is often motivated by a need to benefit myself.
• I am able to feel compassion for another’s feelings and needs.
• I acknowledge that I may own the negative traits I often perceive in others.
• I acknowledge that I sometimes need the help of others.
• I am aware of my painful feelings and express them appropriately.
• I am able to express my feelings openly, directly, and calmly.
• I pursue intimate relationships only with others who want, and are able to engage in, healthy and loving relationships.

• LOW SELF-ESTEEM PATTERNS

  CODEPENDENTS OFTEN…

• Have difficulty making decisions.
• Judge what they think, say, or do harshly, as never good enough.
• Are embarrassed to receive recognition, praise, or gifts.
• Value others’ approval of their thinking, feelings, and behavior over their own.
• Do not perceive themselves as lovable or worthwhile persons.
• Seek recognition and praise to overcome feeling less than.
• Have difficulty admitting a mistake.
• Need to appear to be right in the eyes of others and may even lie to look good.
• Are unable to identify or ask for what they need and want.
• Perceive themselves as superior to others.
• Look to others to provide their sense of safety.
• Have difficulty getting started, meeting deadlines, and completing projects.
• Have trouble setting healthy priorities and boundaries.
  IN RECOVERY…

In RECOVERY:

I trust my ability to make effective decisions.
I accept myself as I am. I emphasize progress over perfection.
I feel appropriately worthy of the recognition, praise, or gifts I receive.
I value the opinions of those I trust, without needing to gain their approval. I have confidence in myself.
I recognize myself as being a lovable and valuable person.
I seek my own approval first, and examine my motivations carefully when I seek approval from others.
I continue to take my personal inventory, and when I am wrong, promptly admit it.
I am honest with myself about my behaviors and motivations. I feel secure enough to admit mistakes to myself and others, and to hear their opinions without feeling threatened.
I meet my own needs and wants when possible. I reach out for help when it’s necessary and appropriate.
I perceive myself as equal to others.
With the help of my Higher Power, I create safety in my life.
I avoid procrastination by meeting my responsibilities in a timely manner.
I am able to establish and uphold healthy priorities and boundaries in my life.
COMPLIANCE PATTERNS
CODEPENDENTS OFTEN…

Are extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
Compromise their own values and integrity to avoid rejection or anger.
Put aside their own interests in order to do what others want.
Are hypervigilant regarding the feelings of others and take on those feelings.
Are afraid to express their beliefs, opinions, and feelings when they differ from those of others.
Accept sexual attention when they want love.
Make decisions without regard to the consequences.
Give up their truth to gain the approval of others or to avoid change.
IN RECOVERY…

I am committed to my safety and leave situations that feel unsafe or are inconsistent with my goals.
I am rooted in my own values, even if others don’t agree or become angry.
I consider my interests and feelings when asked to participate in another’s plans.
I can separate my feelings from the feelings of others. I allow myself to experience my feelings and others to be responsible for their feelings.
I respect my own opinions and feelings and express them appropriately.
My sexuality is grounded in genuine intimacy and connection. When I need to feel loved, I express my heart’s desires. I do not settle for sex without love.
I ask my Higher Power for guidance, and consider possible consequences before I make decisions.
I stand in my truth and maintain my integrity, whether others approve or not, even if it means making difficult changes in my life.
CONTROL PATTERNS
CODEPENDENTS OFTEN…

Believe people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
Attempt to convince others what to think, do, or feel.
Freely offer advice and direction without being asked.
Become resentful when others decline their help or reject their advice.
Lavish gifts and favors on those they want to influence.
Use sexual attention to gain approval and acceptance.
Have to feel needed in order to have a relationship with others.
Demand that their needs be met by others.
Use charm and charisma to convince others of their capacity to be caring and compassionate.
Use blame and shame to exploit others emotionally.
Refuse to cooperate, compromise, or negotiate.
Adopt an attitude of indifference, helplessness, authority, or rage to manipulate outcomes.
Use recovery jargon in an attempt to control the behavior of others.
Pretend to agree with others to get what they want.
IN RECOVERY…

I realize that, with rare exceptions, other adults are capable of managing their own lives.
I accept the thoughts, choices, and feelings of others, even though I may not be comfortable with them.
I give advice only when asked.
I am content to see others take care of themselves.
I carefully and honestly contemplate my motivations when preparing to give a gift.
I embrace and celebrate my sexuality as evidence of my health and wholeness. I do not use it to gain the approval of others.
I develop relationships with others based on equality, intimacy, and balance.
I find and use resources that meet my needs without making demands on others. I ask for help when I need it, without expectation.
I behave authentically with others, allowing my caring and compassionate qualities to emerge.
I ask directly for what I want and need and trust the outcome to my Higher Power. I do not try to manipulate outcomes with blame or shame.
I cooperate, compromise, and negotiate with others in a way that honors my integrity.
I treat others with respect and consideration, and trust my Higher Power to meet my needs and desires.
I use my recovery for my own growth and not to manipulate or control others.
My communication with others is authentic and truthful.
AVOIDANCE PATTERNS
CODEPENDENTS OFTEN…

Act in ways that invite others to reject, shame, or express anger toward them.
Judge harshly what others think, say, or do.
Avoid emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy as a way to maintain distance.
Allow addictions to people, places, and things to distract them from achieving intimacy in relationships.
Use indirect or evasive communication to avoid conflict or confrontation.
Diminish their capacity to have healthy relationships by declining to use the tools of recovery.
Suppress their feelings or needs to avoid feeling vulnerable.
Pull people toward them, but when others get close, push them away.
Refuse to give up their self-will to avoid surrendering to a power greater than themselves.
Believe displays of emotion are a sign of weakness.
Withhold expressions of appreciation.
IN RECOVERY…

I act in ways that encourage loving and healthy responses from others.
I keep an open mind and accept others as they are.
I engage in emotional, physical, or sexual intimacy when it is healthy and appropriate for me.
I practice my recovery to develop healthy and fulfilling relationships.
I use direct and straightforward communication to resolve conflicts and deal appropriately with confrontations.
When I use the tools of recovery, I am able to develop and maintain healthy relationships of my choosing.
I embrace my own vulnerability by trusting and honoring my feelings and needs.
I welcome close relationships while maintaining healthy boundaries.
I believe in and trust a power greater than myself. I willingly surrender my self-will to my Higher Power.
I honor my authentic emotions and share them when appropriate.
I freely engage in expressions of appreciation toward others.